Hey Mommas!
First off I want to say: You Matter, You’re an Awesome Mom, and You Deserve to be Honored Everyday! My hope is that you can take a deep breath, straighten your crown, and remember you are a QUEEN!
Mothers Day is soon approaching and every year I share this post because I know there are others out there (like me) who will feel disappointed on this day while desiring to get back to happy & adored in their own homes. The struggle is REAL and motherhood is often a thankless job. When my kids were little (1 and 3) and I was exhausted, as most mothers are with kids under 5. Sleepless nights, endless meals and snacks, all the feelings and hormones raging. This was only my 3rd Mother’s Day and my expectations for being appreciated and honored were HIGH. I desperately wanted/needed a break and some recognition. I assumed my husband would think of something simple and helpful for me as a way to teach our kids how to honor their mother. I deserved that right? I wanted that thank you, a well done, a small gift from the heart to know all my sacrifices were worthy of love. My expectation of hugs, kisses, and a cute card wasn’t that unrealistic–Right?
I woke up on Mother’s Day at 7 am to two tiny humans asking for breakfast and looking at me to feed them. My husband had worked late to wrap up a deadline and was NOT getting out of bed so instead of hoping to be relieved of my morning motherly duties for just one day it began with me serving the kids. No one said Happy Mother’s Day, or you’re the best mom ever. There were no cards, flowers, or gifts. My kids were too little to even know what Mother’s Day was. So I got disappointed and resentful.
ENTER THE VOICE OF THE ACCUSER - In my head, it sounded like this:
Why couldn’t my husband plan one day to honor me? I know I’m not his mom, but I’m the mother of his children and he should have planned this day for me without my help or knowledge. What a terrible example he is setting for the kids. He can’t even buy a card or take me out to breakfast? He must not care or respect me as a mother at ALLLL, and after everything, I do for him and the kids every day. What an asshole–you will get nothing for fathers day in return. (a vow of revenge - just keeping it real) Yikes here comes bitterness. By the time my husband got out of bed that Sunday morning I was FUMING and MAD at him. You can probably guess how the day went after that. I can sum it up in one word = DISAPPOINTED.
Disappointment occurs when outcomes don’t match expectations, and the greater the disparity, the greater the disappointment. Mothers feel guilty about their disappointment; they don’t want to be ungrateful or petty and they don’t want to think poorly of their spouse or children. Mother’s Day disappointment sucks and creates dissonance (lack of harmony).
Have you been here? Still here? How do we get back to happiness?
Perspective is everything! I laid in bed that night mad, frustrated, and yelling at God about how terrible my husband was. Each thought felt like I was sipping a little bit of poison and hoping he would get sick. Instead, I was poisoning my own heart and sabotaging my own happiness. This is exactly what bitterness does - poisons the heart, and I WAS THE ONE POURING IT AND DRINKING IT willingly. I realized something at that moment: I had the power to stop those negative thoughts right here dead in their tracks.
If I wanted to get on the same page with my hubby, garner a better understanding of reality, and feel a lot happier, I had to do a little work. Here are 4 steps that you can implement TODAY to thrive this Mothers Day and combat those inner negative accusations that always seek to sabotage our own hearts.
Take off Offense & Get Honest: The truth is all my anger and disappointment were from my own unspoken desire to be seen and appreciated. I had expectations that I had not even communicated out loud and I was offended that my husband couldn’t read my mind and figure them out. My mindset was the problem, and that inner dialogue was poisoning my heart. I could choose to stop agreeing with the accusations. All those negative thoughts immediately stopped screaming so loudly when I was finally ready to take responsibility for my own happiness.
Control Your Own Weather: The truth is, I was looking to my husband to make me happy. But my life and my happiness are MY RESPONSIBILITY. There is only one person on Earth that I can change, myself. I can’t control my kids or my husband, and anytime I try it ends in disaster. So I asked the Lord to show me what to do, and I heard Him echo back - What would really make you happy?
Express your Desires: I had been so “busy” taking care of everyone else that I forgot about what my own heart needed to thrive. I got out my journal and made a list of 20 things that I really loved doing. Things that make me smile and bring delight. Suddenly the anger that was fuming inside began to change into the delightful possibilities that were within my control. Now it was time to fess up. The next day I shared the inner lies that had been raging in my head, and apologized to my husband for my unrealistic expectations. I shared my list with him and told him that what i REALLY WANTED for mothers day was a break. A day off, alone to rest and refuel. He loved that idea and told me to make a plan to so.
Make a Plan for Self Care: I actually got excited and started asking myself some tough questions - like what would really make me feel happy and honored? What do I love to do really? What would be the best Mothers Day ever? I started dreaming again, and you know what happened…Joy and Hopeful expectations returned to my heart. I started small and simple with these 3 things. I’m happy to report that I’ve now enjoyed 9 Mother’s Days without disappointment because I implemented this ONE SKILL of self-care!
I saved $20 every month in an envelope for the Next Mother’s Day so I could do something just for myself. This gave me a $240.00 budget to work with and I didn’t feel guilty for spending it on myself since I had saved a little bit here and there over time for this intended purpose.
I planned a 24hour getaway to recharge and refuel the Saturday before Mother’s Day. When I returned home the next day I was happy and excited to see my family + they were happy I was home. Win-Win!
I shared my plans with my family so they could see me investing in my own happiness. It helped them to know what things I loved, and what makes moms heart happy. They wanted to hear every detail when I returned, and having a little time away allowed me to appreciate all the little ways they tell me I’m a great mom EVERY DAY.
The first year I took my $240.00 and rented a hotel room, ordered takeout, and bought myself a new book. I took a 24hour rest from everyone. It was magical!
One year I got a girlfriend to join me for a massage, and then we went Wine Tasting the whole day and ended the night with dinner at a fancy restaurant. It was fun to have a friend along.
This year I’m planning to visit a wellness center/monastery for a day of health, wellness, meditation, and spirituality to tap into the power within myself.
Getting back to happy looks different for everyone. I’m always looking for great ideas and inspired by the creativity that is released when we tap into our true selves. Please share your Mothers Day wins in the comments below so others can glean from your great ideas too.
When we Know Better, We do Better!
Love Always, Lindsay Rose